I wouldn't give up anything.

I wouldn't give up anything.  Nothing.  Not one tear, not one hurt, not one frustration and not one day that has passed by over the last few months journey through life.  I wouldn't give up the gossip around me that cut the wounds deeper when I moved back to a place that was so familiar, yet seemed so strange.

I have no regrets.  I am glad I cried in public for a lot of days.  I am glad I cried in the arms of my parents and I am glad I was honest with the world, never putting a mask over how I felt.  I don't regret being a crazy emotional mess across the table in Starbucks to dear friends over and over.  Sometimes life just flat out hurts.  Sometimes there are simply no answers.  Sometimes nothing will line up and you won't understand no matter how much you ask or try.  Life is unfair and you are going to be hurt, badly.  My lack of understanding has taught me to run and press deeply into the one who creates all things and holds everything in HIS hands. 

I am glad in times I hid from the world not leaving my parents home for days and I am glad I ran off to Africa to get away.  I am just thankful.  I am glad I got to walk red dirt roads in places so far from comfort, normal and easy so I could remember what HIS voice sounded like, so I could be reminded that in my discomfort, HE is steady and still leading.  

I wouldn't trade this for anything. I would not give up the what seemed like 5 bazillion terrible job interviews that led me to dream really big and just start chasing after what I wanted.  I wouldn't give up the many late nights, crazy looks and moments of fear, because they have brought me here.  I have learned HE is able to do so much more than I know, I am just called to trust and walk with HIM. 

I would not take back one awkward or shame filled "why are you back in St. Louis?" for anything, nothing.  It taught me who and what my identity is in, even when I would rather crawl in a hole or duck in the bathroom and not see old friends I know that HE was teaching me.  I don't want the old self I was back.

Right now, I wouldn't trade being in the same city and living 15 minutes from my parents home.  For very few things or people would I move away from my family again.  I would not give up going to doctors appointments and being there when my Mom is out of surgery or treatments each time.  I just know this is where I am supposed to be.   Even, when I didn't believe it, like it, or want to admit it- I just know that HE has been so faithful to me. 

HE has been steadfast and never wavering.  HE has not rewrote my story and HE has no plans to.  This is my story.  It is messy and I have been so broken, but my God- HE is the healer.  I know this full well.  HE does not leave us broken, HE mends and is always leading us to better places through the brokenness.

HE is so faithful.