Healing Amongst Celebration

I've debated for a few days how to publish this all without you people thinking I've gone off into deep depression, bitterness or lost my marbles and need help.....  but at last- here it is. Some of you have literally begged me to publish this and I have caved in.... 

Baby showers. Wedding showers. Birthdays. Weddings. And so on and on.  

I'd always heard women struggle to have babies and cry tears of dread going to their best friends baby showers for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time- yet they once again get dressed up and sit through the cake, punch, dumb games and presents.  Holding in the tears like a water hose with a kink in it building up for release.  

I see women do it constantly.  Admits their own utter frustrations and deep heartbreak put themselves in the places that pour salt on an open wound at full speed ahead. 

I never really understood.  I'd only celebrated.  Never hurt when it was time to celebrate.

I've sat at wedding showers for some of the most incredible and truest friends I have ever known.  I've cried big ugly tears driving to "celebrate" and I've collapsed in the arms of the brides mother and listened to her speak truth over me right there in the middle of her own daughters celebration.  I've cried the tears.  The last place I want to be quiet frankly, is close to anything wedding in this season of life.  

And I'm sure some of you stop and think- how rude, just celebrate and get over your self. Not every day has to be about your life issues. 

But I just don't think that's authenticity.  Yes, there is a line of being an emotional disaster 24/7 and hurting in places that once were your greatest dreams and joys.    

I've rode in the car home from weddings with my parents and cried tears and listened to them say over and over "this is not the end".  I've listened to my own Dad tell me once again how He loves me and is not about to let the story end broken- No, we have a great hope and a faithful God who never lets us walk alone.  I've sat on the floor in my parents house with Father's arms around me and sobbed.  Sobbed like the world was ending- because in reality, it sure has felt like it stopped turning. 

I tell you. It hurts to heal amidst others celebration.  It is not fun and every step you take into that party or wedding ceremony feels like an utter leap of bravery.  It is in those tears that flow like a river, when you sit amongst broken hopes and dreams, that you heal the most.  Salt in the re-opened wound, that is when you learn to wash out and sew back the rips. Stitch by stitch, memory by memory.

It is the Mother of that bride, during her daughters celebration, who wraps up the brokenness and shows me I am learning something that not everyone is privileged to.  Learning to trust that healing does come ---even during the celebration of others.  Because that Mom, she has hurt and healed amongst others celebration.  She stands on the other side and sings victory over salt in the wound, heart on ground- out of chest kind of hurt and healing.  

I'm privileged, honored really. Grateful to hurt and heal admits others celebration.