The church I read about in scripture is not what I see today. I see anger, wrath, malice, slander and obscene talk coming from our mouths. I hear a watered down gospel that pleases the itching ear and watch light shows that leave my eyes hurting. I see arguments that only cause people to run from the church because they have been taught an “all about me” gospel. I feel hurt. I feel brokenness. I feel a disconnect. I don’t understand how it all works, but I know that the church is the way God continually chooses to bring his people together.
Somehow in the midst of brokenness and sinners all gathered together in billion dollar buildings where the electricity bill for one month is possibly more than my salary for a year---God finds glory. I don’t understand. I don’t understand pastors who teach ‘to sell all and to loose your life is gain’ but make 6 digits a year and own multiple homes that sit empty for months on end. I grow frustrated by liars who proclaim Christ. I grow frustrated by church leaders who cheat on their spouses. I don’t understand the hurt the people of the church have caused me- the times when people have failed me again and again- I somehow have hated the church so much to a point I fell more madly in love with it.
And then in my hurt and frustration I think of a Savior, who spent His whole life doing nothing but good - saving and healing- washing the feet of those who betrayed him and spit in his face- dying on a cross like a thief or a murderer. I know my father, a Father who desires good things for His children even more than I can try to comprehend, a Father who could stop the brokenness of his bride at any time, but chooses to let it go on, all for his glory.
And I weep at the injustice and brokenness of the church, at my lack of understanding- most of all. And I think that while NO part of me understand this mess, not at all, this is where I am asked to be- Closer and closer and closer to His heart. He knows this pain and the brokenness I see in the church. He knows the injustice of a broken world. He knows my frustrations and the cry of my heart. He knows the tears that fall over the lack of authenticity and community around me. He desires change for the people who proclaim his name yet lie, cheat and steal. His grace finds the people I don't think salvation is at all possible for. And so while I still cry and beat my fists on the floor, I find comfort in that HE KNOWS, and ask to be closer still.
I think of Paul. He tells me how the church is broken, an utter mess but God calls me to be part still. Completely unable to understand why this would be his plan- his bride broken, tainted and stained by selfish tendencies.
Jesus is coming that I know. And I am young, and tired, and completely unable to understand why this is happening. But I am chosen, instructed to carry the story of our Savior, to shine His light into a broken world. His love and His strength, they will not run dry until He returns, fresh rain on a parched land I know He promises me. And I wait in hope for Him.
“So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah....he always proved to be enough”
Always enough.
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